You can be given time.
You can take time.
You can spend time.
You can save time.
You can waste time.
Time can move achingly slow. Or fast. Minutes tick by like hours. Hours fly by like seconds.
Time changes over time.
And time can suddenly stop.
I went to call my oncologist since I wanted to find out what the scan said from last Thursday. The receptionist I knew picked up and I said hello.
“Oh, Mr. K”, she said, “I was just going to call you.”
Suddenly I had that same inside sinking feeling I had two years ago.
“They would like you to come in and have an MRI done.”
This was not what I wanted to hear, not what I expected, not what I wanted.
“What did they see?”
“They want you to come to discuss,” she said, “I don’t know if they’ll talk about it on the phone.”
“Please don’t make me wait, Linda – is the doctor there?
She paused a moment, “I don’t know if the doctor is here but I’ll see if I can get Kathy (the physician’s assistant) to give you a call. Give her some time to get back to you.”
We made a date for me to come in Thursday, in two days. Two days. Time to let my imagination weave a tale.
I left my office and went for a drive, to spend some time in the quiet of my car.
I returned about an hour later and called back.
“Were you able to pass the message on to Kathy?”
“Hold on.”
She came back a minute later and said, “call back in 5 minutes at this number.”
I did, called back, and got the doctor on the phone.
“They saw something on the scan, a hot spot, some glucose being taken up.”
“What does it mean.”
“It could just be sinus disease (which I have) or possibly some bone necrosis from the treatment. The radiologist wants to do an MRI to get a better look at the area.”
“Is it in the same area as the tumor was?
“Yes.”
“Is this a red flag?”
“Don’t think so. He didn’t see any abnormal tissue in the scan, any disease. Just an area of concern. Do you have any headaches?”
“No,” I said. I lied. And rationalized.
“Then if you’re asymptomatic, you should be fine.”
“Do you need to see me on Thursday or should we just make an appointment for the MRI now?”
“Oh, you can do that now,” he said. “But you’re always welcome to stop in to talk if you’d like.”
I thanked him and called Linda back to set an appointment for next Tuesday – the earliest time available and giving them a few days to get the OK from the insurance company.
Suddenly, I’m a patient again.
12 comments
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November 18, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Nan
Oh, f#*%. But somehow if you can keep your mind from going crazy and cling to the ‘sinus disease,’ and ‘he didn’t see any abnormal tissue or disease.’ I swear these people should all go to some kind of school for wording, phrasing, tone of voice. What they throw out is taken by the fearful in a very different way. I’m still praying.
November 18, 2009 at 1:43 pm
nan
oh. speechless over here — because I was hoping that you would not have to have any worries. Keep writing, and know that you have support and prayers from us out here in the ethers. Am hoping it is scar tissue or something innocuous.
November 18, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Ralph
Nan took the words off my fingers, right down to the word “speechless.” I await as anxiously as you.
November 18, 2009 at 3:18 pm
lazarusdodge
Hey Nan, Ralph, and Nan:
Thanks for thinking of me – always can use the support!
The doc isn’t pushing this into the red zone yet – still the chance it could be other things going on. I moved the MRI up to Sunday so that I can get some feedback before the holiday. Don’t want to be sitting on this until after Thanksgiving.
What it is, what it’s gonna be – rather know sooner than later.
And yes – “f#*%” is one of the choice words I used… 🙂
– J.
November 18, 2009 at 5:08 pm
Nan
Hey, and we even spell it the same way, Jeff! Glad it will be sooner. That is one of my other gripes with the whole med. prof. – if they want to do a test, do it that day, that hour they tell someone. And not only that, but tell the person immediately if at all possible. I don’t know about my psychic abilities, but I think this will be okay.
November 20, 2009 at 8:40 am
lazarusdodge
A little bit of art, a little bit of science, and some psychic ability – it’s all of a piece. What you see and what you feel are equally as important.
Thanks for the boost!
– J.
November 19, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Cheri
Hey Jeff –
Several thoughts. The first one is a knot in my stomach. I am so sorry that you didn’t get the results you and several of us wanted to hear. But I’m not ready to throw in the towel just yet! I do believe in the power of positive attitude, so I am just thinking that everything will come out just fine. Afterall, we do want the docs to keep a good eye on things and when something isn’t just right, they want to check it out.
I understand that. It is a good thing to do.
Next, kudos to you for pressing to speak with the doc. You’re my hero! I can tell that you are a confident man and no matter what the outcome of the scan on Tuesday, you will handle it perfectly.
You have already been there, done that. So if need be, you can been there, done that, again.
Good luck on Tuesday. You will be in my thoughts.
November 20, 2009 at 9:20 am
lazarusdodge
You are so right Cheri! Put in the context of my history, all my docs take the road of caution. I’ve been lucky – they’re a fantastic group and I credit them with my survival.
Another lesson learned is that everone needs to be their own advocatae. And if there are just a few things a patient needs from their doctors, the most important is the need to feel safe in their hands and confident in the care. Confidence arises out of that – mixed with optimism, determination, and sheer stubborness!
Thanks for your good thoughts – I can always use the support!
– J.
November 21, 2009 at 3:00 am
SarahJ
So sorry to hear this. Glad you were able to move the MRI forward. Nothing worse than waiting. all good things
November 24, 2009 at 9:56 am
lazarusdodge
Thanks, Sarah…means a lot to me… 🙂
And yes – I’m not very good at waiting…no patience as a patient…
– J.
November 22, 2009 at 3:38 pm
E.
You and yours are in my thoughts and prayers Jeff. My least favorite post of yours yet. Hang in. Fondly, D.
November 23, 2009 at 5:19 pm
lazarusdodge
Thanks, Doug. Appreciate all the good thoughts and prayers…
– J.